I think about the lies they tell in movies based on true stories. Well, this one ain’t like that—a lie. Wish it was. In Hialeah, people said the devil came up from hell, made Angelo do what he did. His Ina thought it was because of Angelo’s skin—the only other Filipino—darker than me with bigger shoulders. The gentle giant. Big Boy. Who knows? All I know is if the devil exists, he’s a pale motherfucker—looks exactly like the ones who killed him.
His name was Angelo, but we called him “Big Boy,” one of my best friends. A military kid. His Tatay was a Filipino Colonel, a survivor of The Bataan Death March, who made sure Angelo acted right. At high school prep rallies, I remember watching Angelo rifle spin in his JROTC uniform. He’d twirl that rifle like a wind-spinner caught a gale, catch it on the other side, flip the gun the other direction—rifles cutting the sun to shadows. He was his Tatay’s boy: broad chest and coriander skin. Leather shoes spit-shined above a starched uniform, crisp and brazen. The only one I knew in college.
Yeah, Angelo was pure.
Not like our plans for that night.
There was one white guy who lived off Palm Ave, trapping out of his little house. Hippie. People called him that, but really, he looked like a cowboy. Scruffy redhead in denim and boots. No one down here dressed like him.
On couches in Hippie’s living room, we tried to get some acid and leave, but he made you hang out. Didn’t want quick traffic in-and-out of the house.
“What you need today?” Hippie asked, passing a joint. “Make sure everyone hits that—” He wasn’t being generous; the joint was a test.
“Doses,” Charles said. Charles was one of us—just as good a friend as Angelo but his aspirations were the braincell-killing type. He was lanky, wore girls’ jeans and low tops. “He doesn’t smoke though,” Charles pointed at Angelo. “Big Boy.”
Hippie shook his head, eyeing Angelo hovered over the couches.
“C’mon Hippie, you know he’s not a cop,” said Xavier, my other best friend.
You could tell X had it rough at home. Sometimes he made small disagreements end in someone biting the gutter. But he was sharp. Always had something smart to say and stayed in a black hoodie no matter the heat.
“Not good enough,” Hippie said, peeking through the blinds. He thought he heard a noise. Rumor was Hippie been puddled. A bible: 10,000 hits from a vial dropper one of the Family—the old Dead Heads who manufacture LSD in Southern Florida trailers—filled Hippie’s open palm. His skin absorbed the acid; he was high for weeks. Fried his brain. Tripped until he saw a different reality—paranoid enough to sell for the Family. “He smokes that or y’all hit the fuckin’ road.”
Angelo grinned like a baseball coach. “If it’s a big deal, I’ll take a small one.” He took the joint, puffed it lightly, and exhaled without coughing. “We good?”
“Yeah,” Hippie said, reluctantly. “But I don’t have dose right now.”
“What about 2CI? Charles asked. “Shrooms?”
“I got an RC you guys might like,” Hippie said.
“An RC?”
“Research chemical,” I told Angelo. “Don’t think of it like that—L was a research chemical before people figured out it opened minds.”
“I’ll breakthrough this time,” Angelo said, his eyes sheened, self-assured. “Enlightenment.”
The last time we tripped with Angelo, he ended up Baker Acted off mushies. Freaked out—told us he was Cain; his little brother was Abel. Truthfully, it was hilarious, but I felt bad and dropped him off at his parent’s. Gave him “The Four Truths” by the Dalai Lama—figured Buddhism would chill him out. Instead, he read into the night—chapters on ridding yourself of ‘material possession’—got naked and ran through the streets.
Police got him.
By the time he came down, and I saw him, his head was on straight again. Even though Angelo got Baker Acted, he said he loved the deep thoughts he had tripping before reality broke. That’s how bugouts always go down. Sober up and you’re fine.
“I’m ready this time,” Angelo said. “Won’t let it control me.”
“Psychedelics ain’t about control,” Hippie said. “It’s about letting go. Trust me, I’m ex-military. Know all about both.”
“What branch?” Angelo finally sat down.
“Marines.”
“See action?”
“After 9/11, I was in the second truck into Afghanistan. The second.” Hippie’s eyes darted the room as if someone we couldn’t see was in the corner. “Bush wanted to finish what his daddy started—wanted to keep it media-friendly—called it ‘Operation Enduring Freedom.’ Wanted to make it seem like American soldiers were liberating those people. Truth is, we shot anything with a turban that moved. Women. Children.”
“Women don’t wear turbans,” Xavier said. “It’s called a hijab.”
‘Whatever.” Hippie mumbled on about Afghanistan, how he was dishonorably discharged for telling his version to reporters—telling us there was no organization. The bloodshed. As he talked, he cut strips of microdot paper into single squares, handing each of us one. “251-NBOME takes an hour to kick. Eat it now, you’ll be good soon.”
I watched Charles eat his immediately, his feet on the coffee table covered with playing cards and ground up weed. Xavier shrugged when I caught his eye. Angelo crossed his arms like a club bouncer. I asked if everything was cool with my eyes. He smiled back, that laid-back baseball coach grin.
We stuck the paper underneath our tongues.
“You boys wanna see somethin’?” Hippie picked up the leftover microdot and went to the backroom, coming back with a Desert Eagle 357. “Just picked this up. Beautiful, right?”
Charles put his fist to his mouth, but Angelo’s eyes went Bugs Bunny.
“You mind if I handle it?”
“Yeah, hold on.”
Hippie struggled, trying to get the chambered bullet out, but had trouble pulling the barrel back. Angelo coaxed the gun from him—pulled the barrel, released the bullet, and caught it with a single, smooth motion.
“Alright, boy knows his way around a pistol.”
“Big Boy’s got a few himself,” Xavier said. “Was supposed to enlist this year but his mom’s got him at FIU instead.”
“That right? Hippie asked. “What you packin’?”
“I got a Beretta 92 and a Ruger-AR 556.”
“You keep that AR on you?”
“In the trunk. Always.”
“Good boy.”
#
When we made it out of Hippie’s place, we started coming up. The streetlights ran long like golden spears. The red-orange burning on the eastern horizon was prettier; gave us something to look up at from the glittery Funyun bags and oxtail bones strewn over the asphalt. Behind Angelo, I caught a whiff of his familiar yema cake scent he always smelled like since we were young and slept in the same bed.
We headed for Angelo’s Volvo, but when he got to the driver-side door, he hesitated.
“Want me to drive?” Charles asked.
Angelo handed him the keys.
In the car, there was a hard-edged moment before the ignition rolled over and bass flooded the cabin. Angelo was with me in the back. X rode shotgun. Angelo asked Charles if he was good to drive again; he pulled out smooth as a ‘port one-hundred, gunning the Volvo to sixty.
We’d all seen Charles drive under wild conditions. We were younger then, stupid. We’d let him slide into the driver’s seat after two Four Lokos and anything else he could get in him.
“We pickin’ up gas?” Charles yelled over “Radric Vs. The State” blasting from blown-out speakers.
Of course Charles wanted to stop for nitrous but I knew Angelo wouldn’t want this night to turn into that. Angelo wanted to trip for spiritualism—talk deep, try and learn from each other.
“Let’s go downtown,” I said, catching his gaze. “Check out the action.”
Charles shrugged and pulled onto the 112. When we exited, we got stuck in traffic. In a yard on our right was a mahogany tree. Angelo followed my line of sight. He’d lost his grin.
“It’s photosynthesizing,” he said. “The tree. That’s why the color’s changing.”
I looked back to the mahogany and understood. The leaves strobed from the color of cilantro to a dark, seaweed green. Even the bark seemed to flex as if there were lungs beneath.
“How could we not see that before?” Angelo asked. I didn’t know. And when I couldn’t answer, he gave me a serious look, rubbed the backside of his military cut.
“Don’t worry about that,” Xavier said. “Can’t control everything you see.” He turned back. “Fuckin’ beautiful though.”
“Light’s green,” I said, feeling dumb for not having the right answer. Angelo probably wanted me to talk some Herman Hesse or Daniel Quinn. Back in school, when our English teacher didn’t have us memorizing ancient poems, he gave us copies of “Ishmael.” Blew our minds. Angelo saw all kinds of things I didn’t. Saw all the abstracts. The teacher loved when he raised his hand, said that “death is inevitable” when Gilgamesh and Enkidu go to the Cedar Forest to fight Humbaba. In school, Big Boy’s hand stayed raised.
Good dude. When we were little and the summer brought the heat, Angelo taught me to swim down at the community pool. He didn’t leave me for the deep end. Stayed right there with me in the shallows. Never made fun of the doggie-paddle I managed like our other friends.
“One arm over at a time,” he told me. “Keep your head above the water.”
Even then, Big Boy was massive: the gentle giant. He was all smiles, but his presence made the other kids wrestling in the water leave room for me to practice. By the end of the summer, when I got across the pool without swallowing chlorine, Angelo dapped me up, slung an arm over my shoulder—just as proud as me about that lap. I remember getting chills up my neck, his meaty arm around me, and I felt safe like nothing could touch me if Big Boy was there.
Charles had the Volvo whipping through Biscayne. The road looked like a dozen half-pipes melting in front of the headlights. Like Dr. Seuss bent the street, made it look like an accordion. This was a strong dose.
Nearing downtown, the buildings grew. Up front, Charles and Xavier laughed, but Angelo kept looking behind him, rubbing the buzzed hairs on his neck. The backseat was its own world. When I tried talking to him, he nodded quickly, looking smaller like a lost child poster.
By the Miami tower, I watched skyscrapers glint off Bugattis. Aston Martins. $300,000 sports cars so bright I knew we had no place here. It wasn’t just that there were more white people—everyone here looked like they belonged. Well-dressed and opulent. Like the money they had could take care of anything. They could walk in front of a car, get hit, and end up owning it. That was their power. Money.
I pointed out a murdered-out Phantom, tint so dark my reflection ate itself.
“Makes me wanna rob,” Charles said with a snicker. “Give them a real problem.”
“Rich people got problems,” Xavier said. “Worse than us. Lot deeper than you’d think. Might not worry about where their next meal comes from, but they worry about who they’ll eat with if they don’t get the bill. You get some money, your whole family starts falling at your house, trying for a settlement. Everyone starts comin’ up to you with their hands out. Not a man no more. You’re a bank.”
Charles sucked his teeth. Angelo nodded like his head was on a diving board. Moving like Hippie. I didn’t want to tell him to relax. Where you’re pissed or buggin’ out, that’s the worst thing to hear.
I remember eating dinner at Big Boy’s house years back. We smoked before and his Ina told us we ‘smelled.’ His Tatay, the colonel, scolded me for not taking any rice. “What kind of Filipino boy don’t want no rice?” he said, sternly nodding when I took two big scoops.
We had sat down at Angelo’s dinner table all high, eyes blazing. Angelo, the only one who didn’t smoke, talked Pacquiao with his Tatay who stared me down. I smirked, keeping my eyes low. Nothing to say that wouldn’t betray me. Only had thoughts that could be said on the street, not here at this orderly dinner table. I thought, this is how it must feel to eat in an army mess hall. After dinner, I asked Angelo if his dad knew if we were high. He laughed, told me to relax. Pissed me off.
“I’m kinda hungry,” I said. “Let’s hit a drive-through.”
We smoked on the way to a McDonald’s; the windows rolled up.
Angelo turned it down. “Put that out,” he said, still rubbing the back of his neck while we passed the joint around. He was rigid in his seat like he was getting ready for drill practice. When he started breathing deep, I knew he was panicking. I wish I would’ve said something, but my fingernails were digging the backseat too.
At the pay window, Angelo started hyperventilating.
“Charles, just drive. Go. Just go, man. They know. They know!”
“Know what? Charles asked. “Our burger orders? Fuck are you talkin’ about?”
“They know!” Angelo bolted up, turning around to look at the car behind us. “Look at their headphones. Please,” he pleaded—his pupils so dilated there was barely any white left. “Please, just go.” He whacked my side a few times, bobbing his shoulders. “Their headphones. They know!”
Charles doubled over, his head against the steering wheel laughing. “Oh shit, he thinks they’re the feds.”
I couldn’t help but break down laughing. X too. Angelo was terrified—really believed the fast-food people were federal agents. I laughed so hard tears beaded.
“Angelo, relax,” I said when I could breathe. “They’re not the feds.”
He lifted himself out of the seat, forgetting his seat belt, like he was trying to escape. After we pulled away from the window light, he calmed a little.
“You know what we really need,” Charles said chewing. “A bottle.”
“Truth,” Xavier agreed.
I looked at Angelo—had to snicker he looked so scared.
“We’ll get drinks, Big Boy. Chill out on the beach. Might even see a star.”
#
The trick to buying champagne on South Beach is to go right after the bottles get delivered. Even little bodegas got deluxe stuff like Dom Pérignon. They go from the cold truck, sit on flats in the heat, back to a cold fridge in the store. A few minutes of humidity makes the sticker easy to peel. When the delivery truck leaves, go in, peel the sticker off a bottle of Cooks or André—the cheap shit— slap it on an expensive one and walk out with a bottle that costs $200 for $8. Slick shit.
“Charles,” Xavier said. “Me and you go in first. Distract the clerk.” He turned. “You and Big Boy get the sticker and pay. We’ll walk out together.”
“I don’t think he can do it,” I said. Angelo was holding his knees, rocking back and forth—his posture stiff. His wide eyes stared into the seat fabric ahead.
“Just wait in the car,” Charles said, getting out. “Weak ass headspace.”
He shut the door, hard.
“We’re getting champagne,” I told Angelo. “It’ll take two seconds. Be right back.”
“Don’t leave me.” The pleading had come back. “Don’t put me in a straightjacket. I don’t need one.”
“Jesus, relax. We’ll keep the car running. Just listen to the music and don’t do nothin’ stupid.”
The neon in the window had radials like a seashell. Inside, the fluorescent lights lit up another plane, a different dimension. The candy bags breathed. Tile floors swirled. I focused on getting my fingers to work, give them individual orders. Pinch the corner. Peel slow. Wiggle the sticker. In my mind, it seemed like eternity, but it couldn’t have been more than a minute before I had the sticker off.
All I had to do was stick it on an expensive bottle—over the real label—pay and dip. My heart thudded. I told myself if the clerk saw me, I hadn’t done nothing yet. By the register, Charles talked The Heat re-signing Dwayne Wade. Sounded calm but my chest throbbed. I made my way down the cooler doors to the top self-section, picked one out, and pressed it over. Any second, I thought I’d be tackled—police-issued pistols in my face.
Would I have deserved it? Probably. I had Angelo waiting on the verge of a psychotic breakdown, stealing right under the cashier. I was a shithead. That’s what was in my head. What I used to think: shit. Angelo couldn’t handle psychedelics, but he had something else in his head. Shoe polish and drills. Those would’ve taken him far. Farther than I’ve gone. And we both started the same.
We were both pudgy in middle school; both had dusters and wore chains. Our freshman year, we wrestled JV. Angelo ate kimchi for a week to make weight. He smelled like ferment but when he stepped on the scale, he hit his 182-weight class. I didn’t make my 160. Had to sit my match out. After the season, we lifted weights together. I could tell he was jealous my frame was smaller, my muscles more defined. No matter how he disciplined—5ks and 1,400 calorie days—he was always Big Boy.
What did that make me?
We were doing chest presses when he asked, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend? You got everything—get any girl you wanted.”
I shrugged. “Girls come and go. The less you care, the better.” I didn’t want him to know girls made me shy, wanted him jealous of something I had going on.
He lay down on the bench. “You think so?”
“The more you try, the stupider you look when it doesn’t go right,” I said after he started his set, so he couldn’t say anything back, couldn’t answer with a better insight.
When I got to the register, I put the bottle down, slapped my fake I.D. on the counter. I dapped up Charles and X like I hadn’t come in with them. The clerked looked me over once, asked me if I wanted a plastic or paper bag. No sweat.
When we got back to the Volvo, Angelo was in the back with his AR-556 across his chest, his finger rotating parallel the trigger like a spun coin about to fall. The scared look was gone. His brows were creased, menacing.
I propped the door open, turned down the music so he could hear.
“Angelo,” I asked, my hand pushing down the air in front of us like it was the rifle’s muzzle. “What’re you doin’ with that?”
“Heard a bang,” he said. “Might be opposition trying to march us down to O’Donnell.”
“Might be.” I nodded. “We can’t drive with you holding that—you think you could put it back in the case? In the trunk?” I spoke slow, trying to force reassurance into the words. Truth was, I was nervous. “Let’s put that thing away.”
Charles and Xavier climbed into the front seat, both turning to watch.
“If they come, we’ll be defenseless,” Angelo said. “Might put us in boxcars like my Tatay.” He frowned. Shook his head. “Can’t have that—” Lifting his shoulders, he resettled the rifle across his chest.
Xavier shifted in his seat. “Listen, Big Boy. No one’s coming for us. We ate a little dose and you’re confused. Put that shit away.”
We let him think it over. Charles had his head in his hands, shaking in a ‘what the fuck’ motion. Xavier’s eyes stayed in the rearview. Big Boy was muttering about WWII—fragments of stories his Tatay probably told him. After a while, he stopped—just breathed real hard. When I was about to try and get him to put the gun away again, Angelo turned toward me, his brow narrowed.
“When the Gods made man,” he said. “They kept immortality for themselves.”
“What the fuck is he talkin’ about?” Charles said under his breath.
I extended a hand that landed on Angelo’s shoulder. His pulse was ricocheting off his collar bone. He grabbed my hand, squeezing. “Hold my hand in yours, and we will not fear what hands like ours can do.”
I nodded. He let go. My hand fell to the AR. The steel was warm.
“We boasted we would leave enduring names behind us,” I said, and he let go of the rifle. Shock waves from the front seat.
I got out of the car, keeping the rifle low, scanning my periphery into the hazy night. The bodega parking lot was deserted. I could smell salt off the beach, hear the low thud of house music leaping from bars further down Ocean Drive. I rested the AR back in its foam case. When the latches closed with a click, I exhaled the whole episode.
When I got back in the car, Charles twisted in his seat. “What was that?”
“A book,” I said. “From school. Don’t worry about it — just drive. I need a drink.”
As the car pulled onto the street Angelo spoke, lucid and direct.
“Gilgamesh,” he said. “That’s what’s happening here.”
#
Charles turned the music up and pointed the headlights down the beach, aimed for South Pointe. It was so late it was early. Miami doesn’t stop. Anyone with money was in the clubs behind us, glowing in blue and pink neon. In the beach parking lot, a breeze hit—still had the faint smell of coconut tanning oil underneath sea brine.
“You comin’ with us?” I asked Angelo when he stayed in the car. He flinched when Charles popped the champagne. “C’mon Big Boy. You’ll feel better if you have a few sips.”
Xavier walked over, handing me the bottle. “That’s not all we got,” he said pulling out a fifth of E&J. “Charles kept that man distracted a long time.”
Hearing this, Charles joined with a smirk, breaking weed down in a twenty-dollar bill. “Big Boy coming or he still in the trenches?”
Angelo was glued. His eyes were open, his chest rising, but in his head, he was gone. I tried handing him the bottle; he didn’t move, even when I nudged it against his arm.
“Let’s drink,” I said. “Watch the sun come up. You can tell us about all the heavy shit you’ve been learning in college.”
Angelo grabbed the champagne bottle so fast I got startled and almost dropped it.
The bottle gripped tight, he roared from the car. “Sodium carbonate,” he yelled. “Lime and fucking silica.” He smashed the bottle against the ground—suds and broken glass erupted off the parking lot, drenching us. “Tell me how I know that!”
“Yo! My eye,” Charles yelled. “Angelo. What the fuck! I got glass in my eye and you got the weed wet.”
“Watch him,” Xavier said, cranking his neck. “I’ll check Charles out.”
Angelo was standing to his full height, towering over me. He was massive, painted in the glowing pastels beamed from the towers. His scowl had turned grimace like he was in pain. I’ve never been scared of Angelo; he was a gentle giant, calm; he always laughed jokes off with that baseball coach grin, but he looked different now. Wasn’t Big Boy anymore. Right then, he was something else.
“You good?” I said weakly.
He said something incomprehensible—something about chemicals and ionic bonds: raving, cryptic shit. Then it felt like a freight train slammed my chest, steel flinting sparks in my ribcage.
A dark flash and I was on my back looking up at the endless sky. Gasping, I tried heaving air back into my lungs and heard Angelo take off, sprinting. I lay there for a second, my vision tunneling into a black hole that led nowhere.
Xavier helped me up. “We might need to take Charles to a hospital,” he said. Lowering his voice, he added, “It’s serious. Might’ve cut his eye.”
“I’ll be blind,” Charles whined, stomping his feet, and holding his eye with one hand. “Where’s Big Boy? I’m gonna fuck him up.”
“You couldn’t if you tried,” I said. “He shoved me and took off. Definitely lost it like that time sophomore year.”
Charles sighed. “We gotta find him.”
“Truth,” Xavier said. “After that, we’ll go to the hospital. Call him real quick, maybe he’ll tell us where he’s at—”
I dialed. Two seconds later, the Volvo’s cabin lit up.
“His phone’s in the car.”
“He couldn’t have gone far,” Xavier said, already walking toward the street.
#
Night lifted; the horizon grew a fuzzy light-blue ahead of the morning sun. We walked in silence. The hotels on either side of the street had hundreds of places where he could hide. Alleyways and parking garages. We passed drunks stumbling from a bar. I kept my eyes low, trying not to attract attention. We didn’t yell his name or look in stupid places like opening trash can lids. No one said it, but we all felt jittery. Like something we couldn’t walk away from was ahead.
It must’ve been a half-mile before we found the first car. The windows were busted out, the windshield cracked. A block later, we found another one. Further up, we started seeing boutique windows busted out, a bloody trail leading up Collins Ave.
“If he does that to a hotel lobby, we’re all going to jail,” Charles said.
We didn’t have the energy to tell him to shut the hell up; the RC was fading with a cold afterglow and a headache. Cognac was the only thing keeping me going. We went by more jacked-up cars and walked faster—we had to be close. The next block, every single car was tore up.
Ahead, we saw blue and red lights flood the street and I knew. We started running. There were two squad cars mounted the curb, but I heard more coming. The cops were squatted on the other side of their cars, their pistols drawn, aimed over the hood like a shield. Three white guys. The fourth might’ve been Cuban.
Angelo was across the street, bleeding from the elbow down, next to a light-blue BMW with a lady in the driver seat. The beamer door was open, Angelo standing by the beamer. We ducked by a palm tree thirty feet from the squad cars and watched, feeling useless.
The police yelled over a bullhorn. “Remove your hand from the vehicle or we will open fire. You have to the count of ten.”
“Ten!”
I wanted to scream, tell him to put his hands up, save himself, but my chest pounded so hard I thought I’d puke organs.
“Eight!”
I wanted to run into the middle of the street, but I’m a coward. A part of me I’m ashamed of thought I could still make it home—that I wouldn’t get what’s coming to me.
“Five!”
I wanted to remember all of Angelo’s goodness, his promise, his smile. But all I could see was how horrified the lady in the beamer looked from her back window.
“Two!”
I wish I could say I told the cops he was unarmed, that I loved him—at least did something more than hide behind a palm tree.
But that would be a lie.
Before the police finished the countdown, Angelo charged—fists in the air; a savage look on his face, but beneath the hostility, I saw how he truly felt. Running toward the squad car, Angelo was scared to death.
Bangs echoed through the street. We grabbed our ears.
The air turned musty: the sulfurous smell of gun smoke.
I watched Angelo fall. When those bullets tore him down, his arms flailed, twirling like so many rifles he spun over his arms like a windmill, beautifully revolving with the unseen, casual flick of his muscled brown arm; a last dance, one final spiral when the air around him quaked. And, for a moment, Big Boy was beautiful.
When I looked again, he wasn’t.
He was a body.
On my right, Xavier was broken, staring at the police, no doubt with hate. Charles was broken too. Still grasping his eye, tears from the one that still worked. I laid down on the sidewalk. Felt myself break too.
#
We were hauled in, questioned, faced time in county, but who gives a shit. I could spend my whole life in a cage imagining Big Boy’s yema cake scent on my pillow, or spend my whole life free, wishing I was in prison—but most days wishing I was the one in the ground.
Every year, I feel a little older and a little guiltier. I march against police. Then stop marching because it’s all white kids out there who don’t know shit. And all the black cops around me are realer than most people I know. And I look at my light, yellow-brown Filipino skin in the mirror and think about Angelo, how he taught me to swim; his gentle, bold ways against my nastiness, his Ina posting on his Facebook like he’s still alive every year on his birthday, how his Tatay probably saw me as a fuckup, and how they might blame me for their son’s murder.
I think about all this and try not to lie. Try not to be like the movies.
Try and turn away from the devil I don’t believe in. Be someone better.
Like Big Boy.
