I want the dark back, the bloody well of it,
my face before the fire
or lie alone on the cold stone and find a way
to sleep awhile, wake clear and wander.
Deborah Digges, “Write a Book a Year”
The wrens have returned, a male
making his rounds of possible nests.
I moved the birdhouse the grandchildren made
to my studio window, so close now I can see
his tiny chest heave as he erupts with churrs
and delicate bubblings. He’s been at it
for days, working hard to lure his mate.
I remind myself to be grateful. And I am.
Grateful for song, for promise. Yet,
I want the dark back, the bloody well of it,
the uncertainties, fierce weathers
headed my way no matter my readiness.
The map I’ve struggled with for so long
has failed to find me. But I’m not lost.
Of this I am sure. I’m here standing
tall among heather and junegrass, while
clouds throw their veils over the hills
and the whole of it succumbs
to the music of one bird. I will not hide
my face before the fire,
will not relinquish the compass rose
to guide me away from this knowing.
Perhaps I am lost. Perhaps this
is the sweet conundrum that only now
opens, a region that does not obscure
what issues from its fold, but means to stray
into such reverie as a wayfarer’s, whose
boots are sturdy, whose mind is sharp.
Seek out the almond-scented, the melancholy,
or lie alone on the cold stone and find a way
to inhabit what the mythographers tell us
is the blue of longing, of that which exists
far away and unnamed. Don’t be afraid.
When you come upon it, you’ll know
what to do. And it will be a seizing.
I’ve been told inclemencies will conjure
deeper truths than those more merciful
winds from the four directions. It’s time
to stop now to breathe, to ponder, then
to sleep awhile, wake clear and wander.
Pam Bernard, author, editor, educator, and writing mentor, received her MFA from the Graduate Program for Writers at Warren Wilson College, and BA from Harvard University.
Her awards include a NEA in Poetry, two Massachusetts Cultural Council Fellowships, and the Grolier and the Neruda Prizes in Poetry. Ms Bernard has published three full-length collections of poetry, one a finalist in the National Poetry Series. Most recently she published a verse novel entitled Esther.
Ms. Bernard lives in Walpole, New Hampshire, where she teaches private memoir and poetry workshops, mentors poets and memoirists, and edits manuscripts of both genres.
