Letters of Recommendation for the Fifth Born

To whom it may concern,

It is my pleasure to recommend Zygote Jane Doe (ZyJane) as the eventual fetus of Eileen. After five pregnancies, her uterus will easily hold this underweight infant whose expected moxie and inherent tenacity will no doubt sustain the amounts of tobacco and alcohol this womb will likely absorb.

Should you have questions, contact me by removing your shoes and placing your bare feet on sacred earth.

Gaia

Ancestral Mother

Dear Parishioner,

Since baptism, ZyJane’s wee-sinful-soul has been mine. Thus, I recommend her to the family of Wilfred and Eileen as a barely noticeable addition to their already boisterous crew.

ZyJane has been taught in the ways of Christ to honor her father, serving his (carnal) needs. A flock-follower, she’s submissive and works well with others, allowing them to bully and ignore her in equal measure.

Apologies in advance as baby ZyJane’s health may prove problematic, requiring additional resources you’re unlikely to give. Simply ignore her eventually deaf left ear. After all, the “Big Guy” gave her two.

Regarding her lazy eye, a patch over her good one will do. God says walking into walls builds character. (At least, he hopes so.)

Should you wish to discuss my recommendation, get on your knees.

The Notorious T. H. G.

(The Holy Ghost)

Dear Board of Directors,

I give your community theatre group my jazz-hands endorsement of this sprouting youngster named ZyJane. Do not let her eye patch deceive you; this kiddo is ready to take the stage! (That is, if she can find it.)

Since her stutter makes it impossible for her to say it for herself, let me share that this nine-year-old can sing the entire Judy Garland catalog. With gusto! Her rendition of “The Man Who Got Away” is surpassed only by her Elton John impersonation. (Or possibly her modern dance interpretation of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”) Yes, all these were performed in the privacy of her bedroom, but let’s not forget that peephole her father made in the wall. After all, someone was watching.

Word is ZyJane’s first audition for your company ended rather abruptly: she ran out of the theatre – as if on fire. See? This girl has flair!

We encourage you to bet on ZyJane’s innate ability to act (like she’s okay).

Brava,

Melpomene

Muse of Tragedy

Dear Admissions,

As ZyJane’s English teacher for two years, I heartily recommend this student to your small generic college. A mere six miles from her front porch, I understand it’s the only college her parents will allow. (On a personal note, how exciting! I mean what seventeen-year-old doesn’t want to stay at home?)

ZyJane has consistently scored excellent grades and a National Honor Society standing. She is editor of our school yearbook and yet is rarely seen in the building. I’ve come to believe she has no friends, which is truly a testament to ZyJane’s grit to go it alone. 

Certainly, ZyJane will bring her A-game to college. Yes, of course, she will drop out, but not before winning lead roles in your theater department and igniting her true passion for stagecraft. However, I believe her candle will be doused when, eventually, she’s advised against going to New York City as her professor is afraid that ZyJane is too afraid.

I wholeheartedly recommend [Candidate Name] ZYJANE for admission to your program. Hopefully you have no further questions, as my time is thoroughly used up (and wasted) writing these letters.

In solidarity,

Johnson Petit

English Department Chair

PS  Please forgive ZyJane’s recent interview with the airline along with her ridiculous idea to be a flight attendant. I surmise it was only a bogus plan to escape the lackluster life she’s accidentally living.

Dear Manager,

I recommend Miss ZyJane for the position of shoe salesperson. I have never met anyone who is more capable of becoming whomever anyone needs than this young woman. She is certifiably a master of people-pleasing. Thank goodness she left college to join the footwear industry.

I speak with conviction when I say that selling shoes, where Ms. ZyJane will be bending down at men’s feet, makes her a perfect addition to your team.

Furthermore, since Ms. ZyJane is without a decent father, make sure to place her with a manager who is an emotionally vacant bully. She is sure to marry him.

Humbly,

ZyJane’s Self Esteem

Dear Unborn Child,

We recommend that ZyJane be your mother as she has an inexhaustible need to focus on YOU, instead of herself. These qualities include:

• A lack of wherewithal to pursue her own talents.
• An unfailing – flailing knack to feel nothing.
• A husband/felon who cares for nobody.

Further, this woman is a real self-starter, evidenced by having to take birthing classes alone.

As a mother, I predict ZyJane will always be there to fill your gaps; she will make it her life mission to over-parent with gusto. With a desperate need for you to never feel the pain she’s endured, ZyJane will provide you, her child, with all the therapy and medication she herself needs.

In closing, we note with great confidence that ZyJane will eventually learn that the fix was always for herself.

Hakuna matata,

(Dark) Sense of Humor Office

Department of Growth

Dear Gustav,

I recommend ZyJane as a patient for Jungian dream therapy.

To date, ZyJane has desperately sought relief with countless therapists. Since not one mentioned trauma therapy, I believe her boundary-less self is the perfect victim client for your corruption work.  ZyJane will be an excellent repository for all your made-up jargon and curious preoccupation with incest and sex.

No worries that you have zero professional credentials, she will not ask. Instead, ZyJane will write down dream after dream as she pipe-dreams your therapy will actually help her. Let’s not discuss the ramifications of harm until you have enough money to buy a boat and a new truck. (Since she sees you every week and you only take cash, that shouldn’t take long.)

I expect her dedication to your wack-a-doo treatment will last 12 years. Make sure to remind her that SHE’S “the perpetrator” (rather than her pedophile father). She will believe you.

Have fun,

Phobos

God of Fear and Panic 

PS Asclepius, God of Medicine, asked to write this letter of recommendation, but really, what does science have to do with healing trauma? LOL

Dear Theatre Company,

It is our honor to recommend ZyJane to your company. This playwright has worked her ass off, funneling years of pain into comedies about death, mothering, and the human need to belong. Audiences fill our house, time and again, to experience her work.

It is true, ZyJane will never let you know her true self. However, I can assure you she tells all in Acts I and II, exposing what she cannot say in real life.

A fan,

Dionysus

God of Theatre

Dear Unborn Grandchild,

It is with great solemnity that I recommend dear ZyJane to be your grandmother. Yes, she has fucked up. Yes, your mother bears the impact. Yes, choosing this family opts into a clan who has ignored generational trauma for, well, generations. But – and this is the biggest but – ZyJane is the first in a long line of suffering souls to face down the eye of oppression and abuse.

Indeed, there is no passing grade for this type of trauma work. Only pass/fail. As you will one day learn for yourself, your maternal grandmother got down in the dirt of deprivation to purposefully excavate the paved fossilized road of hopelessness. Creating boundaries to protect from parasites and the vascular wilt of heart, she then tilled the ground, unearthing possibility, and planted new seeds. In the end, ZyJane will pass. And so to an inheritance of security.

So you see, little one, ZyJane will not only have your back, she has your future. Always in mind. It is a brave new world. She stands with resolve, continuing to heal, grow and show the ever-loving possibility of peace.

With guiding, boundless light,

The Triple Goddesses

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